You know it's late when I don't give it a Quenya title
It's so very superficial, and I hate that it happens to me, that I can't analyze my way out of it, but I am having an appearance confidence crisis.

OK, maybe "crisis" is too strong a word. But still...

There has always been some tension in the differing levels of importance I and my mother assign to appearance. My mother was scandalized when she heard that I go to class regularly without wearing makeup. She was horrified when I told her that I have gone to class in pajama bottoms. (I haven't done that for about two years, but I used to do it.) I go to a women's college, and I don't particularly care to dress up for my classmates or my professors. I don't walk around in pajamas (anymore) or without combed hair and brushed teeth, but I don't do makeup and hair and pick out cute clothes every morning. Still, I felt pretty confident that I can look nice when I so choose.

One of the things I like about my appearance is that I have a unique style. I don't look like everybody else. I prefer more traditionally feminine colors and styles, particularly anything with a medieval or Renaissance feel to it. Someone once identified my style of dress as "romantic classic," a phrase that pleases me. My most distinguishing physical characteristic is my long hair. The color may be up for debate (for reasons passing understanding, some people think I'm brunette instead of blond), but my hair is light, thick, straight and long, all the way down to my mid-thigh. Obviously, it is too long to wear down regularly, but I often wear a long braid or a bun low at the nape of my neck.

I liked my appearance. I felt cute and distinct. But little comments have been starting to nag at me.

I have very well-intentioned friends who want to help me. For a long time they pressured me to pluck my eyebrows. (I didn't have a unibrow or anything, but they were very thick.) Sometimes they would do it for me, but I didn't learn how to keep up with it myself for a long time. Now I try to keep them neat and with a gentle arch. Still, even now I've gotten comments that suggest I'm not doing it well or enough.

What I can't understand at all is the wide variation in opinions on my hair. I love my hair. It isn't just long; it's thick and healthy all the way down to the ends. It's my primary way of getting noticed in new groups (and a valuable asset since I'm quite shy around strangers). And it's relatively low maintenance, believe it or not. I wash it twice a week. I keep it braided or bunned for everyday styles. It's easily kept neat.

Some people will tell me that my hair is "beautiful," "glorious," "like a fairy tale princess." Strangers will beg me never to cut it. Friends will admire the many elaborate ways I can put it up. Then, some people will say it's "gross," "a mess," or "unfashionable." Strangers will ask me if I have a hairdresser and say they'd like to cut my hair. Friends will look at pictures of me with shoulder length hair at nine years of age and say meaningfully, "That length looks so good on you." I have a friend Fima who once told me "No one could say your hair isn't beautiful." Well, they do.

But why would I want to look like everyone else? And why do they want to make me look just like them? I don't question their decisions to have short hair, though I often think they'd look better with long hair. I don't say so unless asked because I know I wouldn't want someone to comment that way on my hair unless I were soliciting opinions. Then there's the idea that long hair is gross and unhygienic. It's true that I don't wash my hair every day or even every other day. I guess some people think that's disgusting. I guess that makes me disgusting.

How do I reconcile the part of my self-esteem that comes from my being uniquely myself and that part that comes from having the approval of friends? Of course I have told myself that others' opinions don't matter, but that's not really true. They do. I live with and love these people. I care about their opinions because I respect and admire them.

But I do not have time to be a beauty queen or even a stylish professional type. I have tons of homework. I have work tutoring. I have to write my thesis. I have to research and apply to graduate schools. I have to find a job for the summer and the next semester. I have to help plan my best friend's wedding shower. Darn it, I don't have time to sleep! I'm living on an average of 5 hours a night. How do I have time to wash my hair daily and pluck my eyebrows and do my nails and dress as a model and put on makeup and jewelry?

I don't know the answer.